These are just some of the things I must remember
(in order to keep my
present living arrangements):
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. -
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up
when I'm lying under the
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge,
behind the sofa or
under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur
before entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food before
they eat it or after...
they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces
of clean carpet in the house
when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls,
fish, crabs, etc.,
just because I like
the way they smell.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins
and then redeposit them in the
backyard after processing.
I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes
and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens,
especially not the red ones, or my people
will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car,
I will not insist on having the window rolled down
when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. -
I will not bark each time I hear one on
I will not steal my Mom's underwear
and dance all over the back yard with
The sofa is not a face towel;
neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand
when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
I will not roll around in the dirt
right after getting a bath.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch
is not an acceptable way of saying
I will not come in from outside
and immediately drag my butt
across the carpet.
The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply,
and just because the
water is blue,
doesn't mean it's cleaner.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room
and lick my crotch when
company is over.
I will remember that suddenly turning around
and smelling my rear end can
quickly clear a room.
The cat is not a squeaky toy;
so when I play with him
and he makes that noise,
it's usually not a good thing.